I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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