Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
