i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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