my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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