32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
