Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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