dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
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