i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
