Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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