I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
