Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
