I wannas sexs uuuuu
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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