and you said cock pushups were impossible
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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