I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
