No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Watching her eat just hurts me
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
