she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
