Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
