Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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