my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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