i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
