tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
