I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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