I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm passing your future prison.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
