she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I believe in your delicious
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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