dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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