I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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