I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just invented taco cereal.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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