Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I have already put on my inside pants.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
