please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
