he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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