Will you blow on my dice?
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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