To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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