When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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