Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
We smell like vodka and hangover
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