You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
you had me at cake vodka
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
