Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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