My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
