if only i could text you this smell
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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