1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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