I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
