I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
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