Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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