Swine flu. Run for my life!
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
it's like heaven, but drunker
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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