She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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