fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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