We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
