Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize