I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
