seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
