New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
