my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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